So about those cons...

Well, I've decided that the cons aren't so terrible; I've accepted the new job.  That's all I've got.

The cons outweigh the pros

There's a new job that I can have if I want it; 12-hour night shifts, 72 hours per pay period, every third weekend.  This comes out to mean that I would get about 8 days off every three weeks.  Sounds good, yes?  It would be in the critical care float pool; I would work in the ICU, Cardiac Critical Care and the Emergency Room.  It would be a great experience, but the more I think about it, the benefits are not as great as the job I have worked hard to get that I already have.  I don't work weekends, I work 4 day shifts of my 10, I have an office to focus in, and a great team to work with on both day and night shifts.  If I go to the float pool, I have no real team, no camaraderie that comes with a consistent group of coworkers.  I would get bounced from unit to unit, getting probably the crappy assignments because I'm a float, so no patient continuity.  I have to decide by November 30th.  What to do?  What to do?

And the post shall be purple...

Today the girls and I went to the Vikings game and they actually won.  It's amazing how fast a group of people can turn.  One minute things are good and the crowd is happy, the next they are screaming to fire the coach and booing everything.  Rabidity really doesn't say "Minnesota Nice".  But hey, a win's a win.

Mom, I want a new post.

As I'm doing homework Kat says to me, "I've been reading your blog.  I'm waiting for a new one".  Here you go, kid. 

So here it is, my new goal.  I will stay one week ahead on my homework.  I will.  I will.  I will.  If I repeat it enough, it will come true.  After realizing my procrastinating potential last term, I must vow to not let that happen again.  I have two full credit classes going at once so if I get behind I'm screwed.  The classes are getting harder and the homework is taking twice as long to finish.  I guess that's just a sign that the program is getting closer and closer to being done.  Or it's a sign that I never should have said that the classes weren't challenging enough.  I bet that's what it is.  Damn it. 

There you go, Kat.  Your post.  Now let me get back to homework....right after I post an embarrasing pic of you for pressuring me.

 

I want to be here. And that's all there is to it.

I love gloomy fall days.

Yes, I do.  Gloomy fall days make me love my couch and my blankie.  What?  At 36 I can't have a blankie?  It goes so well with my Sock Monkey onesie.  If I don't let my inner child play she gets realllllly mad. 

My girls are both gone for the rest of the day; Kat's at work until close, and Ali is at a friend's house.  This gives me time for homework, painting my nails, and general lounging around.  It's funny, when the girls are gone it's when I think the most about their lives.  Kat is leaving for college in the summer to study graphic design.  Her art is so good that the senior class student council has chosen her to design this year's senior tshirt.  Good stuff, huh?  Ali starts the dance season tomorrow, but due to her bad ankle (thanks to my genetic sharing), she won't be dancing but has been okayed to manage the teams.  At least she gets to participate, and I think she will probably have even more fun this way.

It's amazing that when kids are little, we wait anxiously for milestones to come along.  When they get older, we wonder where all the time went.  Good thing I have my blankie to comfort me.

Hey there, weekend.

Never before have I looked forward to a weekend as much as I am right now.  Not because I have big plans, just because I have plans to not be at work nor pick up a shift at work.  I've picked up a day nearly every weekend for the past three months and I just don't have it in me this weekend.  Ahhh, freedom. 

That's all I've got for today; my brain is in relaxed mode.  Well, after tonight's shift.  It's a full moon and that means crazy old people, so I need to focus just a little longer.

Papers are stupid...stupid, stupid, stupid, then stupid some more.

Well let's just start out by saying that I have been guilty of procrastination this term.  I admit it.  However, when the time comes for the paper to be due I can usually crank it out in true professional procrastinator fashion.  This time, I'm just not feeling it.  I'm going out tonight to see the girls, and I just don't care that this paper is due tomorrow night.  Is this a sign that I'm just finally stressed out enough to say to hell with school?  I don't think so, but it has made me start to question my decision to go on for more school after this program.  Do I really want to sign on for three more years?  Maybe it's just because it's nice outside and I would rather do anything than write a paper.  Yep, we'll just go with that.  And just for fun, Brainy Smurf to help me realize my true potential. 

Stressed? Who Me?

I had the most unnerving experience last week; a hemiplegic migraine.  I had these when I was aout 12-14 years old, but it's been 22 years since my last event.  You can imagine my surprise when I lost feeling and use of the right half of my body along with slurring my words and confusion.  At first I assumed the worst-a stroke.  Then the headache came and I recalled my teenage history.  When I saw my primary MD the other day he asked me, "Have you considered decreasing your stress level?"  Hahaha good one.  Never thought of that (she says sarcastically).  So now I have Amitripyline to help me sleep, Xanax if I feel the migraine return, and a future of wearing a MedicAlert bracelet for the rest of my life, just so that I don't get accidentally anticoagulated for a stroke when I'm not really having one.
Oh, the good times.  As if there wasn't enough crap going on...

Fish. Damn Fish.

So when I created this blog, I added a fish gadget at the bottom of the page; you know, just for fun.  Well  now I feel guilty if I don't feed them.  They're not real fish.  Wow, the pressure we place on ourselves, even for totally insignificant things.

This pseudo-guilt I place on myself for my lack of feeding the damn cyber fish is ridiculous, but it says something about character.  I feel responsibility to care for people, animals, and things around me.  Sometimes I place too much responsibility on myself then look back and feel overwhelmed.  I can't really curse the world for placing so much on my shoulders when it's self-inflicted.  As a nurse, I think that it comes with the role to a point.  We are caregivers who place the responsibility of the health of our patients on ourselves.  It is a huge disservice to ourselves, putting unrealistic expectations upon the care we give, knowing full well that if we fail (usually only failure by our own definition), we will internally punish ourselves until we have eaten just enough of our self-esteem away to hurt.  Ugh. Stupid fish.

It's all good...

I took Milton outside for his “break” and looked around.  It’s a nice evening with a gentle breeze and a colorful sunset.  I looked at the house that holds my family, where Ali is watching TV while (I’m certain) on the internet.  She is probably doing homework between Facebook check-ins, but that’s ok; as long as homework gets in there somewhere.  Kat drove the car she is helping to pay for to work, where she is being responsible and helpful (I assume).  Soon she will be home and hear that the college she has applied to is calling her back and she can begin to plan her future; a future without limits and without my constant observation.  Ali will soon be buying her class ring; Kat will be buying her senior pictures.  Where did that time go?  We have a dog and two cats with full stomachs, food in the refrigerator, lights, heat, and clothes for everyday and multiple occasions.  As my eyes start to feel tired, I'm reminded that work can be hard and tiring, but I will never take it for granted.  As Milton decided that he’s been out long enough and is wondering why I’m just standing there with a glazed look in my eye, I realized: I’m doing pretty damn good.

WTF is going on around here?!

Ok, I'll admit it; our unit is hard to work on.  Most of our patients are confused and they just LOVE to climb out of bed in a valiant attempt at smacking the ground.  Let's just say we all wear running shoes.  Doctors come and go so fast we sometimes miss them, families with a sense of entitilement push our buttons, and a moment away to urinate is a luxury.  Despite all of this, our staff is great; we get along, we support each other (for the most part), we do things together outside of work, and we just have a great sense of teamwork (again, for the most part).  So why are we suffering a mass exodus?  Staff are running and not looking back.  is the grass really greener over there?  What's on the other side of that fence?  Hey wait, what IS over there?  If I get up on my toes I can maybe see....

Oh, the drained desperation.

Today I remembered that I started this blog with the determination to post daily.  No matter what was going on, I would find the time to vent it out in writing even if I was the only one reading it.  It's therapeutic, I told myself.  It's pressure-filled and deranged; the only one creating the pressure is me.  Therefore, I have come to a conclusion.  I will post when I damn well feel like it.  Ah, see?  So much better.

My work schedule is taking the oomph right out of me.  I work day/night and don't know which shift I like more.  My two days this week have been filled with meetings (yawn) and furious work that I only barely finish.  I now work the night shift tonight and tomorrow, where I will do my usual charge nurse duties with some of my day work thrown in.  I've always said I like to be busy...but seriously now.

Off work for a few days....Loving it!

So with the Labor Day weekend upon us, it has meant a few days away from the cornucopia of body fluids and plethera of odors that come with work.  My senses are returning to normal; I can smell subtle changes in the air again, food tastes good again, and I can hear my own thoughts rather than the scream of bed alarms and IV pumps.  Alas, this will all end tomorrow when I go back to work, but for today I will enjoy the final hours of my long weekend.  Oh, and the second year of my Master's program starts tomorrow; I had better enjoy today.

Ok, I'm back...school gets in the way of progress

My next term of my MSN program starts on Friday, so I figured I had better get started on a blog I wanted to do since February. So I procrastinate; who's perfect?

Work has been a tumultuous, stressful, endless flow of crap the past few days. Short staffing and heavy patients take a toll after a while. I work with an amazing group of people, so we get by; however, getting by just isn't an acceptable way to be for any length of time.

Several weeks ago, I worked with a patient who had terrible back pain followed by respiratory distress caused by his inability to take deep breaths. He developed partial lung collapse and eventual pneumonia. He passed away today, and I can't help but feel profoundly sad about it. I always feel some sadness when a patient I worked with passes on, but I had connected with him during his distress. I know nurses who have lost that empathy and aren't affected by death anymore. If I ever lose this ability to feel, then I am out of the game for good. This is how I know I am doing the right thing with my life.

I work tonight, so I am off to mentally prepare for the onslaught of body fluids, endless interruptions, and expectations without thanks. All in a days work...

Getting Started!

I'm new to this whole blogging thing, but I'm going to give it a shot. There are things that we encounter at work including patient situations, new humor, and situations that open our eyes; I felt it would be a good idea to share those from now on! I will always maintain privacy when I blog about situations, and if you follow or reply, please be sure to do the same (remember HIPPA haha).